Losing My Muchness.

I know it's been quite a long time since I blogged, and I said I wouldn't do that anymore. This last month has been literally a nightmare and there have been so many times I wanted to write, but all I could do was cry. This is my first attempt at writing since things have fallen apart (or started falling together, however you look at it).

Lost the bf this month. He turned out to be not who I thought he was. Apparently spending over a year with someone does not guarantee that you know them, because things I didn't know someone could say were definitely said to me. I don't know that I've ever been hurt this badly. I know it will get better, because God restores, and that's the only thing that gets me up in the morning.

I'm also losing my apartment. My small salary and increased cost of living have finally buckled and I'm moving back in with my mother. In the same month that I will celebrate (I use the term celebrate loosely) my *26th* birthday. I have not lived at home in 7 years. But you know, I know that God will ultimately make this possible too. I've been learning many lessons in humility.

My boss decided to make this the month that she sabotaged my chances of a promotion in this agency. That was fun. I'm learning not to take everyone at their word, and I'm not sure if that's a good thing to learn or something that jaded people say.

AND I still don't have a church home, which does actually weigh very heavily on my spirits. I know that doesn't seem like a big deal, but I've been without one since... July? I know that God will lead me to the right one, but in the meantime, learning to trust him and be content with where I am (or where I'm not) is proving to be a big struggle.

I know this sounds like complaining. But the purpose of writing this is to say that because of the events that have happened in the last month, I feel like I may have lost some of my muchness. If this reference is lost on you, it's from the new version of Alice in Wonderland, when the Mad Hatter (Johnny Depp) says to Alice that's she's the same Alice but she's lost her Muchness. When I saw that I thought immediately, that's how I feel. I know that God is going to get me through all things, and I try to celebrate the small victories in the day like, hey I got out of bed, or wow, I didn't cry at all at work today, but in the moment, I feel like I'm not all here. I feel like perhaps God is humbling me? Working on my pride? Like when I thought I had things figured out He's saying "No, *I* have it figured out." So I will take today in stride, and celebrate today's small victories (like finally writing).

Halfsies!

This last weekend I got some of the biggest news of my life! My half brother located me on facebook - prior to this weekend I had no knowledge of half siblings. And to add to the news, I have a half sister as well! Speaking as someone who has spent 24 years as an only child, I have to say that this news came as a shock. I really did not know what to think at first. But then the excitement of having siblings hit me. I have to admit that I have always dreamed about what it would be like to have a brother or a sister. Not that we grew up together or know much about each other (hey, it's been less than a week, give us a break!) but to be able to reference someone as a half sibling has been quite a thrilling part of my week thus far. In fact, I've been telling nearly everyone I have seen this week that I have half siblings. I was considering getting a t-shirt made that said "I have a half brother and a half sister, ask me how" but I decided against it. I had to hold back at the gym from bombarding all of those helpless exercisers stuck on the treadmills and stationary bikes. It did however make me think about how apathetic I have been about sharing the best news I've ever heard - the Gospel.

In the last couple of months my college group has been going through a study called "The Joy of the Gospel" and my New Orleans mission team is studying evangelism, and I can't help but notice that I want to be excited about the Gospel the way that I am excited about my new brother and sister. I want to want to tell everyone! I want to have to contain my exuberance over good news! It's not that I don't know that this is the best news that I could ever hope for - to know that I am a sinner and that sin separates me from God and puts me on a path to hell filled with death and destruction, but that He loved me so much that He sent His only Son to die on the cross for my sins, so that I don't have to live apart from God is amazing. And it doesn't even stop there! Christ was the sacrifice for my sins, He died on the cross to cover them, but not even death could hold him! He rose again and now He sits at the right hand of God... I know the implications of this! The one true, holy and perfect God calls me His own because Christ died for my sins and now I can have a relationship with Him that was impossible before I became a Christian. And now I am saved from hell! I know that heaven is a reality for me and it could be for any of those people that I walked past this week without telling the good news to. My prayer for this week is that I would be just as excited about the Gospel as I am about my new found family. And if you know Christ, I pray that this week that would be your excitement as well :)

God is so G-O-O-D

There are times when I swear that God just reaches down and shakes me. Ok, not literally, but I am sure that He uses other people to do it. Paul and Virginia Friesen spoke at our college group tonight, and they spoke about God's design for sex and marriage. They, along with the amazing worship, reminded me how much God loves me. They reminded me that God thinks I'm beautiful and wonderful and that I can't settle for anything less. He sent His only Son to die on the cross for my sins, and I take that for granted everyday. Everyday I forget how much He loves me, even though He is constantly showing me and taking care of me. I needed this night. It's like I know these things in my head, but I forget them in my heart, and sometimes He just uses these situations to jolt me back to reality. THANK GOD!