I know it's been quite a long time since I blogged, and I said I wouldn't do that anymore. This last month has been literally a nightmare and there have been so many times I wanted to write, but all I could do was cry. This is my first attempt at writing since things have fallen apart (or started falling together, however you look at it).
Lost the bf this month. He turned out to be not who I thought he was. Apparently spending over a year with someone does not guarantee that you know them, because things I didn't know someone could say were definitely said to me. I don't know that I've ever been hurt this badly. I know it will get better, because God restores, and that's the only thing that gets me up in the morning.
I'm also losing my apartment. My small salary and increased cost of living have finally buckled and I'm moving back in with my mother. In the same month that I will celebrate (I use the term celebrate loosely) my *26th* birthday. I have not lived at home in 7 years. But you know, I know that God will ultimately make this possible too. I've been learning many lessons in humility.
My boss decided to make this the month that she sabotaged my chances of a promotion in this agency. That was fun. I'm learning not to take everyone at their word, and I'm not sure if that's a good thing to learn or something that jaded people say.
AND I still don't have a church home, which does actually weigh very heavily on my spirits. I know that doesn't seem like a big deal, but I've been without one since... July? I know that God will lead me to the right one, but in the meantime, learning to trust him and be content with where I am (or where I'm not) is proving to be a big struggle.
I know this sounds like complaining. But the purpose of writing this is to say that because of the events that have happened in the last month, I feel like I may have lost some of my muchness. If this reference is lost on you, it's from the new version of Alice in Wonderland, when the Mad Hatter (Johnny Depp) says to Alice that's she's the same Alice but she's lost her Muchness. When I saw that I thought immediately, that's how I feel. I know that God is going to get me through all things, and I try to celebrate the small victories in the day like, hey I got out of bed, or wow, I didn't cry at all at work today, but in the moment, I feel like I'm not all here. I feel like perhaps God is humbling me? Working on my pride? Like when I thought I had things figured out He's saying "No, *I* have it figured out." So I will take today in stride, and celebrate today's small victories (like finally writing).
